Sex File: I can't get over her office flirtation
"Regardless of whether she did or did not have sex with her colleague, what your wife has done is a betrayal."
Your lack of interest in having sex with your wife is a completely normal response. It's a form of self-preservation.
Trust is the foundation on which all healthy, emotionally secure sexual relationships are built and it is almost impossible to feel desire for someone you don't trust.
Sex makes you feel vulnerable. It requires you to expose your most intimate self. It is an emotional investment in someone else.
Regardless of whether she did or did not have sex with her colleague, what your wife has done is a betrayal.
Telling you what happened doesn't put her on the moral high ground and she cannot blame being "under the influence".
What happened was the consequence of months of flirting. You can't flip a switch and erase that, and nor can she. She has been hiding her crush for months.
Disclosing it now is not going to make the chemistry between her and her colleague disappear. Almost going home with him was a wake-up call for her but when she goes back into the office, everything will be exactly the same.
She may try to dismiss this incident as "harmless flirting" or blame alcohol, but there is nothing harmless about flirting to the point where you almost end up going home with someone. It is disrespectful to you and demonstrates a degree of carelessness on her part.
Marriage is a voluntary union of two people and if one person decides to behave badly, the only thing their partner can do is decide whether they want to put up with it or change their relationship status.
There is no point in being naive about this. Your situation is not going to change unless your wife is willing to do some work to help you restore your trust in her.
I think couples counselling would be a good idea. She may decry it as an overreaction but that she has got this far suggests all is not well with her, or your marriage, so I think it would benefit you both to talk to someone who can help you unpack what might really be going on.
Some feel intimidated by the idea but it is a privilege to be able to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly with a neutral third party.
The counsellor's role is to help you listen to each other in a different way, to communicate more effectively and rebuild trust so you can reconnect emotionally. It's not a magic wand but it is effective.
A 2020 meta-analysis of 58 studies that included 2,092 couples found that couples counselling had significant positive effects on relationships that were maintained in the long term.
Other research shows it can have a positive impact on mental health problems such as anxiety and depression. Rather than thinking about it as a way to repair the past, regard it as an investment in your future.
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