Sex File: Am I letting my wife down in bed?
She says she feels we're not connected. She seems to think I'm rejecting her
The average age at which women reach menopause is 51, so if you believe everything you read in the papers your wife should be groping her way through brain fog, with no spark, no energy and absolutely no interest in sex. Instead, she would like sex twice a week and is making you feel like an old man. What's going on?
It could be her hormones. When oestrogen levels begin to decline during menopause, the ovaries continue to make testosterone, albeit at reduced levels. For a period, this can create a relative hormonal imbalance where elevated levels of free testosterone may actually increase female libido and make women want more sex.
If this is the case, your wife's appetite for sex might not last because her hormone levels will eventually stabilise. But the good news is that if you keep having lots of sex, she is less likely to have a miserable menopause. A number of studies, most recently one carried out by a team at Santa Catarina State University in Brazil in 2023, have found that women who remain sexually active through menopause report fewer menopausal symptoms and have better sexual function compared with women not having sex.
Although your wife says she wants sex, she also says what she really wants is connection, and you don't need to engage in intercourse to provide that. A naked cuddle is probably the most powerful way to strengthen your emotional, physical and sexual connection because any form of touch, especially full-body skin-to-skin contact, triggers the release of the bonding hormone oxytocin.
Oxytocin is a wonder drug. It increases feelings of relaxation, trust and psychological wellbeing. It is primarily related to childbirth and is released by the bucketload during breastfeeding, but it also goes up when you hug, masturbate, and even when you look into your pet's eyes.
Reading between the lines, your wife's request for sex to increase connection might also indicate that she is feeling a bit insecure. Lots of women find the transition to midlife challenging. It is often a period of flux - adult children leaving home, parents getting old, a dawning awareness that this is the second half, the home straight, the downhill slope. Sex can be confidence boosting for anyone, but don't underestimate how much a woman likes to feel desired, regardless of her age or the length of the marriage. She may want to reassure herself that you are still interested in her.
It's worth having a chat with her about how she is feeling because you may find that she wants attention as much as she wants sex. You don't need intercourse to tell her how much she means to you.
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