Colman Noctor: Children click on screens instead of engaging in person
"Social anxiety can sometimes be a sign of a deeper issue, and a professional can offer strategies and support to help your child overcome their fears healthily."
A friend recently told me about his experience with his daughter, which highlighted the changing social norms among the younger generation.
He was in the local park with his children and noticed one of his 10-year-old daughter’s school friends was also there with her parents. He suggested his daughter go over and say, ‘Hi’.
She declined, saying she didn’t want to intrude as her friend ‘was probably busy’. He was unsure if there had been a recent falling out between the two, so he let it slide.
Later that evening, he noticed his daughter was playing an online game with the same friend, laughing and interacting easily. He overheard his daughter tell the friend that she had seen her in the park earlier, and the friend replied she’d also seen her.
They went on to chat about how neither felt comfortable approaching each other in a public setting and that online gaming seemed a far more comfortable space for them to interact.
My friend was initially worried about his daughter’s shyness. However, after speaking to other parents, he became more concerned about the potential broader issue of mixing and sociability among this age group.
Experts warn that increased screen time and internet use could lead to declining social skills, which are crucial for emotional well-being and future success in personal relationships.
Renowned San Diego-based psychologist Jean Twenge and colleagues conducted a large-scale study of adolescents (age 13–18) in 2019.
They found they had less in-person (face-to-face) social interaction with peers than previous generations. The reduction in social interaction included getting together or socialising with friends, going to parties, going out, dating and going to movies.
A 2023 study by the Institute for Fiscal Studies (IFS) in Britain found that nearly half of children experienced a further decline in social and emotional skills during the pandemic.
So, how can we help children develop better social skills?
We know they often imitate what they see in their parents and older adults, so we teach them the importance of this life skill by role-modelling suitable social engagement. My children nearly always eye-roll and comment on how I ‘talk to everyone’, such as the person who works in the local petrol station or coffee shop. They are right - I like small talk. Exchanging micro expressions like making eye contact, smiling and saying hello are acts of kindness and an acknowledgement of our shared humanity.
From my work as a psychotherapist, I know that people struggling with life value a kind word or an acknowledging smile. I would like my children to recognise the value of these simple gestures. Social skills are impossible to develop alone or solely within a family setting. Regular interaction with peers is essential. Playdates, team sports, or group activities like art classes or clubs allow children to practice social skills. All experiences of ‘group play’ can help them learn critical skills like cooperation, compromise, and teamwork. It is sometimes assumed that this type of ‘play’ only applies to younger children, but there is scope to include the philosophy of play-based learning with older teens, too.
Much of my experience of therapeutic group work, when I worked in residential facilities, was based on the principles of play. We had one game with older teens called ‘Card Feedback’, a series of cards which had compliments or gentle advice written on them. They were laid out face down on the ground, and the young people picked a card and gave it to the person in the group they believed needed or deserved the most. Even the most reticent of teenagers warmed to this game, and many later admitted to getting a lot from it.
I teach in a third-level institution, and we often set up a table quiz format to review the content covered in a particular module. Along with the academic learning potential of these activities, there is usually a pleasant social experience created through the blend of competition, banter, and engagement, which I believe is as essential for students to experience as acquiring knowledge.
We must catch our children engaging in good social behaviour and acknowledge it. Praising them when they share something, manage to take turns, or communicate effectively with others places a value on that skill. This positive reinforcement must continue into the teenage years to encourage them to repeat the behaviour. Teenagers are not immune to positive feedback, and while they may pretend not to value it, many do.
While technology undoubtedly has its social benefits, such as gaming, texting and posting on social media, too much screen time can limit face-to-face social interactions. We must encourage children and teenagers to engage in real-life play, outdoor activities, and family conversations to develop better social skills.
Too often, we allow young people to avoid certain social environments because they don’t want to. Perhaps we should insist on this because these are core social opportunities for them to hone their social skills. By taking your child to different environments where they can meet new people, such as parks, family gatherings, or community events, you expose them to varied social settings. Over time, this will help them adapt to different personalities and group dynamics, which is crucial when they enter the world of work.
It can also be helpful to create opportunities for young people to practice leadership. By encouraging your child to take on leadership roles in games, group activities, or even at home, you can offer opportunities to foster responsibility, decision-making, and the ability to relate to and guide peers. These strategies will help your child develop a solid foundation of social skills that will benefit them throughout life.
Some might suggest this advice is all well and good, but how do you help a child who is afraid to socialise? Admittedly, this is challenging and allowing a shy child to avoid social situations may be easier in the short term. But we risk disadvantaging them in the longer term. Helping a timid child to socialise requires patience, understanding, and gradual steps to build confidence and ease anxieties.
Begin by talking to your child about their fears. Ask questions to understand the root of their anxiety. Sometimes, it’s a fear of rejection, shyness, or discomfort in new situations. Let them know that it’s perfectly normal to feel nervous in social situations, and perhaps share stories of your own experiences or mention how even adults sometimes feel anxious in these settings.
Building social exposure over time is vital by encouraging interaction in low-pressure situations. Set up one-on-one playdates with familiar children in a comfortable environment and gradually introduce more complex social settings, like group activities, as the child’s confidence grows. Celebrating small victories, like saying hello or joining in, can help them to see their progress.
Try to focus on their interests and strengths. If they have a particular interest—like drawing, building with blocks, or sports—find opportunities to interact with peers in those settings. Shared activities often ease social pressure and make it easier to form connections.
There may also be a need to return to the fundamentals of social interaction. Some children struggle simply because they don’t know what to do or say. Teach them the basics: making eye contact, saying ‘Hi’, listening when others speak, and asking simple questions. These small steps can help them feel more confident.
Remember that not all socialisation needs to involve talking. Where possible, also encourage nonverbal social interactions. Activities like board games, building projects, or even parallel play (where children play side by side but not necessarily together) allow for social interaction without the pressure of conversation. Over time, this can ease them into direct social exchanges.
Most importantly, give them time. Pushing a child too quickly into social situations can amplify their anxiety. Respect their pace and provide them with time to warm up. Forcing socialisation before they’re ready may backfire.
If your child’s fear of socialising is severe or doesn’t improve despite your efforts, it may be worth consulting a child therapist. Social anxiety can sometimes be a sign of a deeper issue, and a professional can offer strategies and support to help your child overcome their fears healthily.
One of the most important predictors of successful development is our level of social fitness.
In my experience, social children find navigating friendships, school and work easier than those who struggle.
Supporting your child in developing these skills is a worthwhile investment, as it helps them progress smoothly through life.
But maybe they should first feel confident enough to approach their friend in the park and say, ‘Hi’.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
