Ask Audrey: What's the story with looking like Paul Mescal?

Looking back on it now, I was dazzled by his money and his nasal Douglas accent — very self-assured. 

Now he just sounds like a cocky gobshite who speaks through his nose.

We have two kids and he insisted they get elocution lessons from his aunt to make sure they don’t inherit ‘dodgy Togher vowels from their mother’, as he put it in a recent post on LinkedIn. 

So now I live with three gobshites who speak through their nose. I can’t take it any more.

We’re supposed to be going to his mother’s place on Christmas Day, which is four hours of her saying you get a better class of croquette in Marks and Spencer. (Five years since I got finger-food in Aldi, and still the bitch can’t let it go).

Long story short, I’m thinking of leaving the family home next week. 

It will get me out of putting up the decorations and I can’t wait to move in with my red-hot Latin lover in Blarney. I’m just worried that it’s a bad look. 

I can see his mother now trying to turn my kids against me because my father was a bus-driver. (It wouldn’t be the first time she tried it.) 

Do you think I should just go?

— Shirley, Rochestown Road

Really? All that heartache and you end up in Blarney? Get a better boyfriend first.

It’s getting contraceptive on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners With Two Perfect Kids. 

We went on our annual spa retreat this week, a gorgeous Buddhist centre in north Cork with its own ski slope. 

Who did we meet there only another WhatsApp group, North Cork Landowners with Perfect Cheekbones?

I never thought I’d say this about another group of women, but they were actually posher than us. 

Don’t ask me where they got their clothes, but it wasn’t Brown Thomas, and there wasn’t a trace of north Cork savage in their accents. 

We got talking to them in the Honesty Yurt: there is a no-booze rule but one of them smuggled in a case of tequila... oh lads. 

The same woman had smuggled in her phone (she hates rules!) and showed us photos of her NINE kids, they all have incredibly long hair. 

Her herd of kids was the topic of all the chats on the way back in our fleet of Volvo XC90s. 

Chloe_TodalGoddess called it when she said we’ve been doing it all wrong. 

“Ditch the pills bee-atches”, she said, “let’s have a hockey team”. 

I had to check the number of players on a hockey team because I’m only from the South Douglas Road, say nothing.

The big question now is do I tell My Ken we’re going to have nine more kids, or just plough on myself, sure he’d hardly notice. 

What do you reckon?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

Don’t tell him you are copying women in north Cork, it will give him erectile dysfunction.

I haven’t had a wink of sleep since the election debate there during the week. 

Am I the only who’s terrified that one of these people will be the leader of our country in a couple of weeks?

It’s not they’d be bad, per se, sure there is nothing to running Ireland these days, it’s just handing out money from the American multi-nationals according to Kevin in the Bridge Club, and Kevin knows his onions.

My problem is that all our leaders are so boring. Sorry now, I know you’re not supposed to like Donald Trump, but he’s great craic. 

That dance he did at the rally, it reminded me of my wedding... my father forgot his father-of-the-bride speech so he just stood there swaying away. 

Half a bottle of Jameson will do that to you I suppose.

Sorry, but Simon Harris is like my dad with all the whiskey taken out of him. I envy the Americans. 

They are going to have so much fun with Trump over the next four years, as long as they avoid a nuclear holocaust. 

Is there any chance we could get a more entertaining option for Taoiseach?

— Clodagh, Carrigaline

I asked Reggie from the Blackrock Road if he’d run. 

He said he’s sticking with his run for President, it comes with a free mansion in Dublin. (He’s planning to put it on Airbnb).

C’mere, what’s the story with looking like Paul Mescal?

Have you seen the photos of him in the new Gladiator movie? Well the old doll has and she do be virtually rubbing his muscles in my face at this stage.

I normally wouldn’t pay any attention to her, but my brother is stacked at the moment to play hurling and I can see her sometimes giving him the sneaky eye. 

Paul Mescal was like a weed in that recent show he was in about the people who were miserable because all they did was read books. 

If he can get muscles, so can Dowcha Donie. Could you contact him there and ask him how he did it?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang Paul there, and this snotty one answered in an English accent.

I said: “I need to talk to Paul.”

She said: “He doesn’t talk to people from Cork.”

I said: “Is it an inferiority thing because he’s only from Kildare?”

She said: “Yes”.