Ask Audrey: My boyfriend's as loyal as a tomcat — I picked him up when his wife went to the toilet
Ask Audrey
I warned him not to marry her. But no, after a private school education that cost us north of 10 grand, seven years studying medicine, two skiing holidays every year paid for by his parents, my son Trevor ‘fell in love’ with a farmer’s daughter.
I wouldn’t mind if was a nice protestant farmer from north Cork, with that lovely Golden Vale land, but of course that would involve Trevor playing ball and we can’t have that.
Oh no, Trevor caught the eye of this rock-farmer from west of Drimoleague... her mother is as Catholic as a decade of the rosary in Medjugorje.
And they have decided we should go and stay with them over Christmas, a big get together. (And I mean big, what else would you expect from a God botherer, with her seven kids.)
Myself and my husband Ken are appalled, we normally go to Madeira for Christmas, it’s like the Canaries for people with a Volvo XC90.
And Trev expects us to go down there now, they’ll probably have US up at 6am to milk their few puny cows.
I don’t want to refuse flat out, because the Mammy there is very pass-remarkable, I heard her calling me a ‘a stuck up city bitch’ at the wedding, in her fascinator.
There is only one hope. Do you know if Covid will be a thing this Christmas?
It’s getting theatrical on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Want You to Know Their Child Got the Lead in the Christmas School Play.
Orla_MacMoney nearly started an Envy Riot this week when she announced that her Fiachra was after landing the lead role in Jack and the Beanstalk.
I tried to ease my parent pain by saying he’d make a great beanstalk, but the bee-atch shot me down in fairness because my Fiachra is only after getting the part of one of the beans.
I demanded a meeting with the teacher, this foxy one from Dillons Cross, who had the cheek to tell me that my Fiachra didn’t get a speaking part because that ‘wouldn’t be realistic’ seeing as he is a bean.
“Realistic”, I said in my best Douglas Road accent, “it’s the story of a giant who lives on a f**king cloud!”
But she wasn’t having any of it. And then she reported me to the board of management for cursing at her — I had to pull a few strings with the Bishop. (He said he’d pray for a better part for Fiachra, but I just told him to grow up.)
Fiachra isn’t bothered either way but that’s beside the point because there is no way I’m going to let Orla_MacMoney ram her Fiachra’s lead part down my throat. "The next Cillian Murphy" as she put it herself.
How can I fix this?
Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond.
Bad cess to jealousy but I have a new fella and I’d sooner jump out of an aeroplane wearing a parachute made in Scartaglin than trust him in a room full of women juiced up on Pornstar Martinis.
He’s lovely and everything but he’s about as loyal as a tomcat and I should know because I picked him up in a bar in Kanturk when his wife went to the toilet.
It was hard to enjoy the bit of sex in his Land Rover with the WhatsApp pinging every 20 seconds... his wife wanting to know where he’d gone.
She met another fella fast enough on the night — when Kanturk is good it’s very good.
Anyway, your man has his Christmas party next week in a hotel in Mallow and I’m unsuccessfully nagging him to bring me as his plus-one because it doesn’t take much for those things to tip over into a gang bang.
And no, it’s not that I’m afraid of missing out.
It’s because this new fella might be the one and I don’t want his ex-wife ringing up and singing that song 'Have you left the one you left me for' down the phone.
He’s insisting there is nothing to worry about. Should I tell him he has to wear a body-cam on the night?
C’mere, what’s the story with Roy Keane? The Old Doll got sent that video of Roy telling an Ipswich fan he’d see him in the car-park and she watched it 37 times with a dirty grin up on her face.
I said: "C’mere you wouldn’t talk to me for a week after I said 'you-me car-park, langer' to this guy in Ennis. But you’re ogling now because it’s Roy Keane."
She told me to get a life. Do you think I should get a new old doll instead?
