Sex File: I keep fantasising about my husband's friend
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So far, so normal. Most people who have been married for decades don't fancy each other in the way that they did at the beginning of their relationship. They love each other and they trust each other and they value the life that they have built together, but they don't look at each other and think, 'Phwoooarr, I'd love to get those flannelette pyjamas off.'
Most people who have been married for decades also engage in sexual fantasy and (shock, horror) many of them do so during sex. If you don't believe me, read , the actress Gillian Anderson's recently published book on this exact topic. The book is a collection of sexual fantasies from women around the world and contains Anderson's own, hidden among 174 other anonymous contributions. It won't surprise you that very few of the women are fantasising about sex in the missionary position with the man that they married.
There is a substantial amount of academic interest in the subject of sexual fantasy. While researching his book , Dr Justin Lehmiller gathered more than 4,000 responses to a 350-question survey and concluded that there are seven main themes for sexual fantasy. Threesomes topped the list, but more than half of female respondents fantasised about non-monogamy, which is where you are at right now.
Fantasy is often recommended by sex therapists as a way to help people who find it hard to get aroused enough to achieve orgasm. The essential tension between thinking one thing and doing another increases adrenaline and boosts arousal. For someone who can't quite get to the point of no return, a favourite fantasy can give them an extra push.
Fantasy can be a release valve in relationships, too. People get to explore their wild sides in complete safety and without any real-world consequences. If you don't think that there is any chance that you, or the object of your affections, would ever be foolish enough to act on your attraction, you should probably milk it for what it's worth while it is still potent. Like marriages, sexual fantasies get old too, and if you don't feed it by flirting with your husband's friend, it should eventually fade.
If it doesn't, it may be a sign that there is something deeper going on. Thinking of one particular person every time you have sex is not a fantasy, it's a fixation. If you feel that your fantasy has broken the required boundaries and is rapidly morphing into a real-world crush, you need to do something about it.
Talking to your husband will only open Pandora's box and cause him great distress. Instead, try talking to a therapist or a neutral third party who can help you explore how you really feel about your marriage. Often the mere process of articulating a sexual or marital difficulty to a professional helps you to regain perspective and appreciate what you have.
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