Workplace Wellbeing: Blow off steam, but don’t let it boil over

“Venting helps us make sense of negative situations,” Baer says. “We often don’t know exactly how we feel about something until we say it out loud or write it down.”

Venting can be beneficial in other ways, too. “It allows us to feel heard and to feel as if we have the support of those around us,” says Baer. 

“Also, by expressing what happened, we may realise we’re upset about a relatively small incident. That could reduce the negative feelings associated with it. A number of studies show that people feel relief and a reduction in negative emotions immediately after venting.”

Verbalising grievances can also function as a form of social glue. That’s because we’re taking a risk when we do it.

“The risk is that the other person might not agree with us or might use what we tell them against us,” says Baer. “By complaining to them, we’re demonstrating that we trust them to keep our secrets.”

This is the theory but Baer was surprised when in practice, his personal experience of venting to a colleague made him feel worse, not better.

He and his colleague had an issue with their supervisor and would often moan about it to each other. “It made us feel good in the moment, but, in the longer term, we noticed that it made us angrier and that our feelings towards our supervisor got worse and worse,” Baer says.

The right confidant

Their experience prompted them to carry out a study that was published in the Academy of Management Journal in 2018. In it, they asked 170 bus drivers how fairly their supervisors treated them, how they expressed frustration to co-workers, and what feedback they got.

What Baer and his co-authors found was that people who vented to passive listeners, or to others who did little more than agree with them, felt angrier and more unforgiving of their supervisor.

They were consequently less optimistic that their situation would improve and often responded by slacking off at work.

“The more they complained, the more frustrated they felt and the less hope they felt about their relationship with their supervisor,” says Baer. “This ultimately hurt their performance.”

The outcome was different for bus drivers who vented to colleagues who responded by asking questions. “When they complained to people who helped them reframe the situation, by pointing out potential solutions or noting ways in which they could improve their behaviour, they didn’t experience that anger or sense of hopelessness,” says Baer. “Their job performance didn’t suffer either.”

Baer’s findings were replicated in a lab study that involved students being set an examination task, not being given enough time to complete it, and being incorrectly graded. Students who spoke to passive listeners afterwards were annoyed initially and then became furious, while those who spoke to more objective listeners felt more hopeful and forgiving.

“Our natural tendency to vent to people who will agree with us and tell us how wronged we were may not be the best way to help us get over a negative situation,” says Baer. “Complaining is fine, but we should be careful who we complain to.”

Mary Connaughton, the director of CIPD Ireland, the professional body for human resources and people development, says we should all exercise caution when letting rip at work.

“We certainly shouldn’t do it in an open office or where anyone else can hear,” Connaughton says. “Conversations can easily get back to people. Your reputation can be damaged. People might see you giving out and think you are behaving inappropriately. Consider how you’re likely to be viewed in all of this.”

Critical feedback

Larry G Maguire, a work psychologist at humanperformance.ie, accepts that being taking such a rational approach can be difficult in the heat of the moment.

“If you’ve ever asked anyone angry or upset to snap out of it, you’ll have seen that it’s almost impossible,” he says. “There’s a certain momentum to these feelings that means we can get carried away by them.”

Other people can feed that momentum. “By supporting us in a particular train of thought, they can fuel our obsession with the situation to the point where it becomes exhausting and has a negative impact on our work and wellbeing,” says Maguire.

Maguire’s recommendation for dealing with conflicts at work is to respond in much the same way you would to a house fire. “Acknowledging the situation is the first port of call and you can do that by venting,” he says. “But you can’t linger there. You have to do something about it, or the house will burn down around you.” That something starts with choosing the right person to confide in. “Not somebody who will feed the fire,” says Baer. “We’ve all complained to people who turn up the heat and make us feel even angrier. What we want is someone who will be honest and give us a balanced response.”

It doesn’t have to be a co-worker. It could be a family member or even a career coach. “The solution to your particular situation almost certainly exists,” says Maguire. “Someone outside the situation may just help you to see it.”

Those on the receiving end of your complaints should take their responsibility seriously. “There’s a strong inclination to agree and validate the other person’s feelings,” says Baer. “Empathising is a good place to start, but it’s a mistake if that’s all you do. Instead, point out ways in which they can take control of the situation and encourage them to see that dwelling on it will only hurt them in the long run.”

Helping the other person to see the broader picture can sometimes be a multi-stage process, according to Connaughton. “If they’re venting, you may have to listen and let them get all their emotions out before you can have a rational discussion,” she says. “It might be a day or two before they are ready.”

Once they have cooled down, you can encourage them to take steps to resolve the situation. The best way of doing this is often a one-to-one conversation with their boss.

“This conversation should focus on establishing the facts and understanding them,” says Connaughton. “What was said or done? What impact did it have? And what could be done differently next time?”

In most cases, she says, it’s better not to involve a third party. “Doing so automatically escalates the situation to something more serious,” she says.

However, there are times when the involvement of a third party, such as HR, is warranted. “Anything that could be regarded as bullying or harassment should be dealt with through the organisation’s official channels,” she says.

Whatever you do, advises Maguire, don’t stay stuck in a negative loop of anger and recrimination. “If all you do is focus on the cause of conflict, you’ll never find a solution,” he says.

“Once you’ve calmed down, take a step back to look at the broader picture. You may realise that you can find common ground with the individual in question, or, on the contrary, you may see that the house is truly on fire and you have no option but to get out.”