Joanna Fortune: What can I do about my anger issues?

Tue, 10 Dec, 2024 - 02:00

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Child psychotherapist

I was raised in an abusive household and have a lot of anger issues as a result. I am now the mother of three children, and I’m finding it hard to control my anger with the younger two. I’ve noticed that one has developed anger issues. What can I do?

I am so sorry that this was your experience as a child — you deserved better. When children grow up in abusive environments, it’s often assumed they turn against their parents. However, while this may happen in later life, children tend not to blame the parent they are dependent on. Instead, they blame themselves for provoking such a reaction from their caregivers.

They see themselves as bad, broken, and unlovable and can feel ashamed about who they are.

When the people who love and care for us are the same people who hurt and scare us, we can fuse feelings of love and fear, seeing them as the same. This fusion can lead to a negative cycle of behaviour in future relationships. I say this to explain why what happened to you as a child was not your fault. You did all you could to survive your childhood.

I hear your awareness of how these cycles of shame and anger can become intergenerational and your desire to break this cycle and change the stories your children grow up with. I commend you for this.

We are wired for relational connection with others around us, but trauma can rewire us for protection (to defend and protect ourselves from future hurt), potentially damaging all relationships.

The core need to protect ourselves is precisely why healthy relationships can prove so difficult for wounded people.

It is possible to stop this cycle and heal from past abuses, but it is not something you can do alone. You need a safe therapeutic space to process and heal your childhood hurts. Here, you can explore how your past finds echoes in your parenting present and start changing the stories you live by to ensure a safer and more connected future with your family.

I strongly advise that you seek a referral (via GP or self-referral) to a suitably qualified and certified mental health professional who can support you on this journey. Investing in your therapy work is the best thing you can do for your children.

There is no better way to discover unresolved issues than by becoming a parent. Your unresolved anger is likely triggered by typical behaviour exhibited by young children and may well reflect how others reacted to typical childhood behaviour when you were growing up.

I advocate the therapeutic parenting programme Circles of Security. It is often offered within primary care or other mental-health community services and is worth checking out. You may find it supportive, and it would complement your therapeutic work.

You might find this podcast helpful.

I wish you all the best on this important journey of recovery and healing.